It's freaking OK

I was at a baby shower for a first time mom this weekend. Like most moms do, we all stood around talking about our experiences and giving advice. To a new mom though, this can be a double edged sword. As veteran moms we just want to help the new mother any way we can. We have been through the long, sleepless nights of wondering "Will I EVER get any sleep?" "Will this baby EVER stop crying?" "Will I EVER get a shower?" "Am I really going to be a good mother?" "I should spend more time with my children, but I really REALLY need time to myself and with my husband" So when giving advice to a new mother, it's important for veteran moms to NOT give the scary "Holy shit, labor was so awful, it was like my vagina fell out and it will never be the same." Or "this baby never stopped screaming, I thought I was going to lose my freaking mind." These statements will only lead to anxiety. You should tell her that she is going to get SO frustrated with the screaming baby that she may just have to calmly put the child down in the crib (don't worry, it's not going anywhere) and walk out of the house. Just stand on front porch and listen to the silence. SWEET SILENCE. You should tell her that breastfeeding is EFFING hard. Harder than labor. So if you aren't having success, please please don't think it's your fault or that you aren't doing something right or that you aren't a good mom. There are people to help you. All you have to do is ask. These are the things I told this new mother.

And then a woman, who has absolutely no children, walks up and says "STOP IT, you are SCARING HER! Everything will be just fine. JUST FINE!!"

Sigh. In a way saying everything will be fine and it's so easy will do more harm. What happen when she does have difficulties? Because, count on it, she will have difficulties. Should she feel like everything should be going smoothly and there is something wrong with her? No. It helps new mothers to know that other people have difficulties and that they have asked for help. It's OK to ask for help. You are not doing anyone any good when you say everything is fine. You are especially not helping any other new mothers who feel that they might be failing. We are all effing human. It's time we start acting like it. This "June Cleaver" bullshit has to stop. That leads me to another point...

As women, we are our own worst enemies. I am including myself in this statement. I admit to falling into the usual petty traps of judgment. As I get older, though, these feelings subside and now I just want happiness for my friends and family. Sure, I still get jealous when someone has something I don't. I am not going to lie about that. Recently my best friend in the entire world just got a new kitchen. I was UBER jealous. NOT because she and her husband didn't work their ASSES off to earn that kitchen. They did. NOT because she doesn't deserve that kitchen because they do. (Laurel, I love you) But because I want that, too. These are basic human emotions and it's ok to have them, as long as they stay in their correct categories. As long as we can say, "I am feeling jealous but I am happy for them. I am SO happy for them." And that's where the jealousy ends. We can't let that seep in and corrupt everything else in our lives. We can't let it come out in other ways like anger and bickering. I am 31 years old and it took me long enough to realize this because of some help (that will be a different entry).

Ladies, it's important to support other women and, especially, new moms. It's ok if someone decides not to breast feed. It's ok if someone says "I don't even want to try labor without an epidural." It's ok to admit that things aren't going well. IT IS OK. We weren't meant to go through this life alone. Race, gender, sexual preference, religion....let's just be supportive. I don't want to sound preachy. I don't want others to believe what I believe or don't believe. I just want supportive friends and I think that's what others want as well.

To the woman who said I was scaring a new mom. I wasn't. I was letting her know that I would be there for her if she needed me. Isn't that what we all want?