"These things only happen to you, Jessica."

I have seriously been told that three or four times now and I am starting to understand that yes, maybe these things only happen to me. I don't believe in fate or destiny. I do believe that I control these things so what would make an odd or unusual thing happen to me? What did I do that would cause something THIS weird to happen?

The choices we make that shape our lives go back further than we can imagine. I am just wondering what choices I made in this life to make (please excuse the language, but you might agree it's appropriate here):

A #$% DAMN BAT HIDE IN MY FOLDED PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, you read that right. A BAT. BAT.BAT. B-A-T BAT was found in my pants. How did I find it, you ask? The most horrible way possible. 

I just bought these pants brand new off of Ebay. I had worn them once and then placed them on my bedside table to wear again in a few days. At this point, the pants were BAT-FREE unless I was walking around with a BAT on my ASS all day and no one told me about it. That would be wrong. Moving on.

I was getting dressed. The children were playing nicely (from what I can remember, it was a traumatic day) in the living room. I unfolded the pants and put them on. I went to get my shirt when I FEEL SOMETHING CRAWLING UP MY LEG. Trying no to panic (because it might just be hair that feels funny or a piece of paper, etc) I take the pants off and something drops out of them onto the floor. I thought it was a black piece of paper until it started to CURL ITS WINGS. IT WAS A BAT. A MOTHER @#$!@#ING BAT. A BAT. In my panic, I stepped on it's poor little wing which only made me more panic-y.  

Uncontrolled screaming commenced. Now, I am a screamer. I will admit that. I scream when someone startles me or a bug flies in my face but usually I can control it and see how silly it is. This was different. I.could.not.control.it. I was screaming so loud and frantically that my children come running in. I KNEW in the back of my mind I needed to stop screaming for them but I just couldn't. It wasn't the bat, mind you, it was the fact that it was in my pants, crawling up my leg kind of BAT. I scream at my children to leave the room which George happily does but Henry stays. So I beg George to get Henry out before he sees the bat and wants it as his new toy. I had backed myself up into the corner of the room which, fortunately it where the  phone was. I called my husband. The conversation went like this:

Mark: "Hello?"

Me: SCREAMING

Mark: "Oh my god, what's wrong."

Me: MORE SCREAMING/HYPERVENTILATING

Mark: "Talk to me!!"

Me: "Bat. Pants. Bat COME HOME"

Mark: "I am not coming home for a bug, Honey."

Me: "NOT A BUG, A BAT B-A-T BAT BAT BAT."

Mark: "Ohhhhh...............coooooool."

Me: "Not cool UP. MY. PANTS

Mark: Honey, I can't come home right now I have a job in ten minutes."

Me: Still screaming I say, "Gotta go, bye"

At this point I needed to leave. George was having a hard time keeping his baby brother at bay and, in the back of my mind, knew I needed to get work done. I found a towel, which I threw over the bat, found a different pair of pants which I promptly de-batted. Ran out with my work and slammed the door. I wrangled the children in the car so hastily that I forgot all my work and had to go back into the house. I was SURE that the bat has escaped and was flying around ready to plaster itself on my face, so I just ran in and out. While running back to the car a GIANT (probably not that giant) bumble bee flew maybe three feet away from me and I literally had a shit fit but managed to avoid diving to the ground as the police officer that lives next door to me, stared. I shouted something like, "BAT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and slammed the door of the car and drove off. (Proud mother moment: I did manage to get the children safely put in their car seats.) 

During this time, Mark has decided to turn around and come home. Probably because he hears the utter panic in my voice or the fact that I am literally hyperventilating for the first time in my life. He meets me outside with a little laugh and asks what I was so freaked out about. Seriously?? COME ON. As he walks inside, I thought: "Man, watch it be a piece of paper or something and then I will never hear the end of it."

It was NOT a piece of paper. It was a FREAKING BAT. I wish it were a piece of paper. 

My friend, Tanya calls at this point and after hearing the "you will not believe what just happened to me" story, she chuckles and says, "These things only happen to you, Jessica." Sigh, they do. They really, really do. 

Explaining to the animal control people where I found the bat was just icing on the cake.