Pictures...Naked?!?!?!?!?!

...Said my husband, with a great amount of alarm in his voice. This was his response to me asking him to take "before" pictures of me for my blog. It's predictable hilarious that nudity is the first thing men think of...EVER. But never fear, this is purely a PG-13 kind of blog and I am pretty sure no one in their right mind wants to see that ;)

To anyone who is embarking on the journey of weight loss, I strongly encourage taking "before" pictures, well.....BEFORE you start. I don't know why I didn't. Probably because I want concentrating on not eating everything in the house while on the liver shrinking diet.  I can scrounge up pictures of me at the beach this summer for comparison but, as anyone who is overweight will tell you, I had become incredibly good at taking pictures (or not ever) of myself from the chin up. What I need is full length pictures to show my progress. While I am not happy with the way I look now, I am super pleased with my progress. Frankly, I have not been happier.

A few blogs ago, I said I might share my heavy weight to you three readers. I have put a lot of thought into it. On one hand, it's incredibly mortifying and, honestly, it's none of anyone's business. I thought of the friends that I had shared my blog with and was afraid of the judgment. Then, a few days ago, I was talking to a not-so-close friend who had not read my blog and not remembered the address. This actually felt liberating. In my brain, if my friends love me enough to keep up with my blog then they love me enough to accept my faults and not judge. If you don't care to keep up then you won't ever know since I don't post personal business on facebook out of professional respect for my clients. To the strangers who may read my blog (yeah right), they may need motivation. They need someone in their corner and that's going to be me. So here it is, my heavy weight was:


284

That's right. 284. I was heavier than my husband which, again, is mortifying. With all that weight comes a huge slice of shame and humility. By deciding to do something about my weight, I essentially outed myself to everyone I loved. Admitting to a weight problem is like waking up from a daze. It's horrific and freeing. Then there's more shame like, "how could I let myself go," "what do people think of me." In the end, I just told myself to shut the f*ck up and do something. Fight the fight. Oh and who the eff cares what other people think?

So what am I at now? 257!!!! My goal is 170. AND I don't even have any fill in my lap band which made my husband ask, "why did you even need the lapband to begin with?" Well, that's a very interesting question.

By admitting that you have a problem that needs drastic intervention or essentially hit the bottom of the well. By going through the acceptance process for the lap band, you go through a lot of evaluations. Nutritional, Psychological, Surgical.  If THAT six month process doesn't wear you out and make you quit, then you must be motivated and you must be ready to change. Hmmm. It's almost like they know what they're doing. :) In the end what you are looking for is a permanent tool that kicks in when will power gives out. When life gets tough, you have something backing you up. In the back of my mind, I know that all the money that I and the insurance company poured into this means I must really believe in myself. I will not fail. I will not let myself fail and, for the first time, I believe that.


So here's a timeline so far.

Pre liver shrinking diet weight: 284  08/27/2012

Pre surgery weight: 270 09/04/2012

3 weeks post op: 257 09/30/2012

So this is me at 284

And this is me at 257. I don't really see much of a difference but there is since it's 27 lbs. 

87 more to go. 

Sigh.

Notice the Tank, naked with only Thomas boots on? Well, that's would we roll in our house. That's right, begin this post with naked and end it with naked. 

p.s To anyone who doesn't have well intentions and feels the need to gossip, shame on you.

Happiness

The surgery has come and gone with little to no bumps in the road. For anyone who is curious about the surgery and the process, I am going to explain it just so you know what you are getting into.

Two weeks prior to the surgery they put you on what is called a "Liver Shrinking Diet." Other names for this diet should be "I-swear-to-god-if-my-husband-eats-that-donut-in-front-of-me-I-will-kill-him-and-no-jury-would-convict-me Diet" or the "Lay off me, I am starving" diet.

Not that I liken myself to Chris Farley but holy crap, that junk is hard. A protein shake or bar for breakfast and lunch and then meat and veggies for dinner. No carbs, no starch, no sugar all cold turkey. I almost had to eat in a different room. I lost FIFTEEN pounds in two weeks. All bitching aside, that crap works. I also see why people fall off that band wagon, though. It's simply not sustainable. 

I was almost relieved when the day of the surgery came. Surely the awesome painkillers they would give me would take my mind of my growling stomach, right?

Surgery just happened to be on September the 4th which is also the first day of school. I had to miss George's first day of school and I was a little upset about that but nothing could be done. I had  prepared for six months for this thing and if I had to stay on that liver shrinking diet one more day I might go hog wild and eat an entire pizza.

Mark and I arrived at St. Mary's at 6am. We got checked in, we hung around and then they took me back. I had to wait a little longer that normal because there was an emergency surgery and they needed the room. THE NERVE. (kidding, kidding). When we finally get back there they were asking me what kind of music I wanted to listen to (as in let's take your mind off of us trying to put you under). They put on some piece of crap song and all I remember saying is, "That song su....." and that was it. I don't remember anything until the very end of the recovery room. Even in the recovery room I don't remember much. I do remember being in incredible amounts of pain. I also remember a man in the bed next to me moaning "I am dying" at the top of his lungs. In all my grogginess, I was SO worried that I was doing that as well. 

When I finally got up to my private room I was introduced to two of the three most awesome nurses ever, in the history of ever. Seriously, loving caring awesome people. The first thing I remember saying to them is, "I don't want to be a burden but I am in enormous amounts of pain and I was wondering if you could help me with that." And they did.When they realized that my husband was the kind of husband that doesn't leave, they stole a fold out chair from another floor for him and brought him ice cream (I didn't get any effing ice cream). The night nurse was even better. I cannot say enough about how awesome these ladies were. They were EXCITED for me. They wanted me to come back and show them my progress. I had to stop myself from asking them if they wanted to be my facebook friend. I was definitely feeling the love. 

The lap band procedure is basically an out patient procedure but they want to keep you overnight to check the next day to make sure everything is flowing smoothly into your lap band. They do that by making you drink some god awful Barium and watching it go through your band while on an ex-ray. Some doctors place the lap band completely unfilled but my doctor placed mine with about 4cc's of liquid (I have a band that can hold 10 cc's total). It's pretty much to ensure that you are not starving your a$$ off before your first fill. Remember this information, it will come in handy later.

I leave St. Mary's the next day with a bottle of painkillers in my hand and a new start to my journey. For two days I was handling everything very well. Mark was taking excellent care of me, I was drinking everything the way I was supposed to until one night I felt like I was literally having a heart attack. My chest felt like it was caving in and I couldn't get comfortable. Worse, I felt extremely nauseated which is a big problem. They DO NOT want you vomiting. So the next day I called the Dr and they had me come in right away. I was so sick, that I was sitting on a stool in front of an open trash can when the PA came in. The moment she starting rubbing my back and telling me it was going to be ok, I started sobbing like a baby. That freaked Mark right out. Apparently, sometimes there is too much swelling in the stomach area and they need to let the fluid out of the band. She goes and gets this GIANT needle and sticks it into my port and the moment the fluid comes out is the moment I feel absolutely no more pain. 

I don't get the fluid back in for another 4 weeks but that's ok. I am sticking to my new lifestyle and working out everyday and I feel...awesome. I feel like the worst is behind me and I am on a new path. All the anxiety and doubt has washed away. I know I can do this. I will do this. I am putting my health first. I am putting me first. 

Like I said, watch out bitches :)