Hugs and Friendship

This is an open letter to my friends:

If you have met me, you know that I am not a hugger. It's not that I won't give you a hug, it's just has to be for something important (i.e. babies, sadness, etc). I can hug kids and babies all day long, but not adults. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. I live in the south, where everyone hugs all the time for no other reason then, "Hey I am going to get groceries, give me a hug!" I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately because the topic of friendship has come up in the past few months. In my mind, friendship and hugging are socially paired..

I am...socially awkward. I tend to dread social gatherings. I have a great time once I get there, but it takes a lot of inward mental monologue to get me there. When I do get there, sometimes I end up saying something completely inappropriate. And by sometimes, I mean usually. I don't gauge the room very well. I also don't have many friends.

I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. Oh and dirty. I have a dirty, dirty mind. I cuss like a sailor and I am blatantly honest. These are all things I value in other people, as well. Not the cussing so much, I mean I don't require my friends to have potty mouths. It is a bonus, though :)

The reason I bring these things up is not to selfishly talk about myself but to point out that I may not be the easiest person to get along with.

In the past few years I have been VERY privileged to know some extraordinary women.  These women helped me through thick and thin and over the past year a few of these friends fell by the wayside. I do not take this easily. I don't have siblings or close family members, so my friends really are my family. It hurts deeply when I lose a friend. I tend to rely on friends as if they were family and that makes me very uncomfortable.

When friendships falter, I get angry. I tend to blame the other party. Recently, I have learned that it is just as much my fault as it is theirs. I doubt myself. I tend to think, "What did I do wrong?" "Am I too needy?" "Was I too much of a bitch?" Then something in the back of my brain rallies and says, "There is nothing wrong, you are AWESOME. They just don't get it." When I talk to Mark about it, the conversation goes something like:

Jessica: "It hurts my feelings, I am AWESOME. Why can't they see that?"

Mark: "You are awesome but 1) it may take a truly awesome person to recognize that and 2) you may not be doing the most YOU can to maintain that friendship and 3) you are not the easiest person to get along with."

He is right. I am not a girly girl. I don't squeal in delight at little things (well except for babies and English bulldogs but doesn't everyone?) I am not rainbows, sunshine and happiness and that may turn people off. People tend to come to me for problems and sympathy but not to share happiness and that's because that's what I tend to give them. I don't call anyone because I am happy and want to share good news so why should I expect that from anyone else?

So, at the ripe old age of 32, I have grown up....a little. The close friends I do have are out of this world, fantastic. Bright, intelligent, caring, funny women who I am privileged to know.  Here is my promise to my friends; past, present or future.

1) No more bullshit idle gossip. I have been bad about this in the past, I admit it. It's hurtful and I am done.
2) No passive aggression. I will tell you how I feel good or bad. I will let you know how much you mean to me.
3) I will try to hug you more, but I cannot guarantee that.
4) I will try not to be so judgmental. I am not a perfect mother/person/wife and neither is anyone else.
5) I will never give up on you. Ever.

You guys mean so much to me and I appreciate everything you do whether I say it or not. I cannot change the fact that at the core of me, I am a sarcastic bitch or that eye rolling is seriously a biological reaction. I can't change the fact that I think fart jokes are insanely hilarious or that old people cussing makes me pee my pants. That's just who I am. F*ck em' if they cant take a joke, right?

I guess what I am saying is, thanks for loving me for who I am. I will try so very hard to make sure you are loved and appreciated. Oh and the hugging thing is seriously not guaranteed. Seriously.